I am was a homeschool mom.
Amazing how one little word substitution can turn my world on end.
This year my three children will be attending three new schools. The younger ones will still be home with me more than they’re not, but my teaching responsibilities will be second chair, not first. And my eldest, who’s been by my side for almost nine years, will need me (academically) even less. She’ll be gone all day, every weekday.
My husband and I poured hours of prayer, discussion, and research into our decision. We love homeschooling. We think it’s an awesome freedom to enjoy. Yet for various reasons we’re confident stepping away from it this year is the right move. Maybe next year will be different, but for now our path leads elsewhere.
Still, I’m conflicted. Sadness. Guilt. Excitement. Confusion. Hope. Fear. Relief. I feel all these things. Most of all, I feel lost.
Who am I now? If I’m not the homeschooled kid who grew up to homeschool her kids, who am I, and what am I supposed to be doing with my life? I planned to have a built-in, full-time job until my nest emptied. I never considered how I might spend my time were it mine alone.
The long-restrained writer in me stirs. Is it my turn? Is it? Is it??? The mommy in me whimpers. Is my turn over already? Is it? Is it???
How strange, this tension. When did I decide being a mom meant I couldn’t be anything else? And when did I begin measuring my competency as a mother by my ability to teach grammar and fractions?
A good mom loves her children and does what’s best for them. She takes care of herself so she can better care for others. She doesn’t shy away from making sacrifices for the wellbeing of her family.
Sometimes that means giving up a career so she can homeschool her kids. Sometimes it means surrendering the homeschooling dream and entrusting her children’s education to others.
Sometimes being a good mom means fighting to hold on, and sometimes it means letting go.
I’m letting go. For now.
Lord, fill these empty hands.
Are your hands empty? What have you surrendered for the good of someone you love? How has letting go been a blessing?